’Tis spring again, when a not so young Sportfish marketing manager’s thoughts turn to Spring Spectaculars. I presume the substitution of fishing videos for the real life event at Theale was his wheeze, for which the pay must be good to fund those ‘two or three fishing holidays abroad each year . . .’ What’s the betting he’s a conservation enthusiast too?
Yes, the Sportfish collection of instruction and flogging vids is launched on YouTube once again, a virtual event since Covid settled us all, it seems permanently, in front of a computer screen. Some are up today (Sat 18th Apr), the rest tomorrow. What treats are in store? If you saw last year’s, you’ll have a pretty good idea — ads, instruction, incidental percussion and all (doomph doomph chik chikachika). Howard Croston — who else but a ‘double world champ’ — kicks things off. The film maker seems to have persuaded the subjects to give a creepy smile to camera, a bit like a Victoria Wood spoof. Once past the grimace, Croston says he’s going to ‘help you put a few more fish in your net’, dispensing tips towards that purpose. Well there are times when my net is more fishless than I would ideally like so I watched, hopeful the tips will turn into pearls.
How to ‘read a river’ is a staple of the expert. Fortunately it’s a sufficiently vague concept for experts to talk about and never get found out. And of course, the advice dispensed may be found in books going back as far as you like. Pools, tails and all the rest trip easily off Croston’s tongue; the film is interspersed with diagrams of fish positions, vide Angling Times. My experience is that discovering the location of fish is mostly down to familiarity with the water, yours or someone else’s. Some apparently fishy spots remain fishless most of the time. But most unconvincing is the advice on expectation of ‘the hatch’ — wait for the hatch, then switch to dry fly. Fine if the hatch comes but so often it never does. No matter whether a chalk stream or a northern spate river, aquatic fly life is disappearing fast. Into summer, gnats and other bugs can be plentiful but proper olive hatches are getting rare. In spring rivers often look dead, the occasional hatch of large olives or March browns notwithstanding.
Still, our instructor can hardly spend a video telling us to stand around hoping for the best. Fishing is hard work and you’ve got to flog the water like a champ. Naturally there are scenes of Croston catching a couple of fish, just to show his advice is sound, though the intercuts leave you wondering whether these were caught on the day. The endless repetition of ‘targeting’ fish here, there and everywhere lends an air of automation to a day out fishing. He concludes, as do most Sportfish videos, with three ‘top tips’. These are hardly revelatory, especially the one about trying a rising fish with a floating fly. No shit Sherlock.
In my mind I picture lines of office chairs seating forlorn anglers who have never caught a fish, gazing at their computer screens as Howard and fellow video fishing luminaries dispense their banal wisdom. Which brings me neatly to my Top Three Tips:
- Stop watching all these fishing vids.
- Grab your fishing rod and get down the river
- Enjoy the day regardless of what others tell you
The Secret Angler 