The Secret Angler

You’ve probably heard the expression ‘All fur coat and no knickers’ used to describe one who is superficially impressive with nothing underneath to back it up. Out fishing the other day it occurred to me that this could be applied to a certain kind of fly fisherman I now see more often on the bank. To look at them you’d think they’ve stepped out of a fishing tackle advert in a magazine or the pages of an expert website. They’ll be kitted out in all the latest gear, chest waders in the modish shade of battleship grey, the capacious net dangling from their back, a shiny new rod and, crucially, a well manicured beard. Atop their heads they will be sporting a cap with a logo.

A model fisherman (from Patagonia website)

I imagine this has a lot to do with the numerous how-to-do-it fly fishing videos, the guides, the websites and magazines all showing how the serious fisherman looks. In my experience they may well drive a mighty 4×4 vehicle which takes up at least two parking spaces in the small car park by the river. They’ve seen what the successful angler looks like, the bending rods, the copious fish catching, all the fashionable gear and they wish to emulate this. What they miss, of course, is the careful movement along the bank so as not to scare the fish, the accurate casting and all the boring bits edited out.

Recently I arrived at the river to find a whopping grey motor that looked like an inflated jeep, occupying two spaces in the small layby with its rear end jutting out into the road. From the bridge I could see its driver standing tall in the water with a light cap on his head. Why someone should go to the trouble of sombre clothing only to wear something so visible on the highest point is a conundrum, solved of course by realising the angler is in thrall to the ads. They may as well carry a big white sign aloft that says “Hello fish, I’m here”.

Well, I followed this guy from a distance as he progressed upriver, overlooking quiet fish rises in several places. I took advantage and ducked into these spots for a bit of non-expert fishing. Later on I bumped into him as he came back down. Close up I could see the sophistication of his kit. His waders even had in-built knee pads though from earlier observation I don’t think he’d made use of them. Quite why anglers always wear chest waders is a puzzle to me. They are a pain to put on and take off and wading should always be a last resort — it’s an excellent way to spook fish. On the chalk streams where I mostly fish, wading is generally not allowed. Where it is allowed certain anglers spend their entire day in the middle of the stream.

Anyway, I engaged in a little polite discourse with the fisherman and asked whether he’d had anything. ‘A few,’ he said lightly, as though he never failed. Now this piece of river is one in which rises are measured as a few, never mind conversions to fish in the net. So I had my doubts. Then he remarked on the lack of fly life as though this were unusual. I don’t believe there’s a water in the country that has regular fly hatches anymore. ‘I was hoping to see a few large dark olives,’ he said. This is late July, mind. Clearly this expert was not well informed on aquatic flies, and I suspect on much else to do with fishing. I can’t say for sure he hadn’t caught a few, I can only suggest that when you’re a freshly minted ‘expert’, failure is not an option.

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In 2019 I asked in an article whether anglers really care about the environment, to which my answer was, in most cases, not all that much. I noted that fishermen with the cash are fond of long-distance visits abroad to go fishing, obviously not giving too much thought to the environmental consequences of flying. Some fishing magazines shamefully encourage this, especially Fly Culture and Trout and Salmon, as I’ve noted previously.

The May edition of T&S includes an article by Finlay Wilson about a fishing trip to the Falkland Islands, one of the most distant destinations from the British Isles, about 8000 miles as the jet flies, except there are no direct flights so the journey is even longer. Naturally the piece is full of the usual overblown nonsense. Wilson tells us ‘it was an epic journey, in every sense.’ An epic is a long narrative about some heroic deeds. Does Wilson see himself as a hero wielding a fishing rod while battling the elements? Perhaps he does. Apparently he encountered ‘a dizzying array of birdlife’; and once recovered from the giddiness of seeing all the geese and whatnot, he notes that the Falklands ‘is vast’, although it’s only one fifth the land area of the UK. Most irritating about his writing is his hyphenation of sea trout. We don’t write brown-trout, so why stick a hyphen between sea and trout?

Needless to say, Faraway Fishermen Finlay catches a load of big fish. If he hadn’t we wouldn’t have got the article would we? This raises another environmental question. The sea trout in the rivers are not native. They were stocked many years ago for angling purposes. The native galaxiids, a family of small fish only occurring in the Southern Hemisphere, are threatened by salmonid species, especially trout. Some galaxiid species are close to extinction thanks to trout introductions. Instead of fishing for trout, FW should be taking steps to eradicate them so to preserve the native species, just as he no doubt wishes to preserve the Atlantic salmon.

We can expect in future the usual tears over the fate of Atlantic salmon in the editorials of Trout & Salmon, but of fish that do not take you anywhere near the backing, silence will reign. You may even read pleas to limit temperature rises to keep the rivers cold enough for fish but I don’t expect the editor to ask anglers to limit their fishing to their own country. Anglers care about the environment only so long as it doesn’t affect their fishing.

But T&S has split its personality even further in the July edition. There is a feature about a visit from Donald Trump Jr — yes, that Trump. According to many better authorities than me, Junior, like his infamous father, holds racist and conspiracist views, spread misinformation about Covid, backed the January 2020 insurrection and denies climate change. Just the kind of guy you want to spend a day fishing with. The article will have you reaching for the sick pills; it’s more obsequious than Mark Rutte: His casting was exemplary . . . fly landed with barely a whisper . . . someone who understood the subtleties of the art at the highest level . . . Pass the bucket. Junior goes on to catch five huge stockies, which were probably put in as preparation for his arrival. If you want to read this dreadful article, don’t do it on a full stomach.

Perhaps it’s never occurred to the editor of Trout & Salmon that, should the Junior Donald have his way, before too long there will be no more trout fishing on the River Test or most of the country. The magazine needs to make up its mind. Either it is a publication that supports policies to keep the world fit for fishes and other creatures, including us, or one that publishes the kind of rubbish I’ve cited here.

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The Secret Angler

All waders and no trousers

Polluting from the Falklands to the Test